Transparency and Fighting Back

The past few weeks, I knew it was time to do the inevitable, but I put it off. Instead, I talked about eating healthier, the pitfalls of recovering after a surgery and trying to find something I loved as much as running, which I know could no longer do after removing a large piece of floating cartilage from my right knee. I made excuses and plans to do something about it. The other day I finally choked up the 42 dollars and change to re-enroll in WeightWatchers which had initially helped when I first lost weight, in fact between that and running I lost about 50 pounds. But tonight I knew it was time to see the toll the last 9 months had taken on my body and with fear and trepidation I stepped on the scale.

230.

The number made me want to vomit. Perhaps you are wondering what woman in her right mind would put her weight out there, especially THAT number. To be honest, as soon as I publish that I will probably join your sentiment and wonder “What have I done??” Right now though I can’t think about it because I know somewhere out there is another woman who is going through a struggle similar to mine and I happen to believe in supporting and encouraging fellow women. I believe in lifting each other up and not tearing each other down, whether skinny, average, or not.

To understand my number you must understand a little more about me and a little of my upbringing. I grew up to a wonderful family, a family that loves to cook and nourish people and a family that loves outdoor adventures, being active whether just walking to the park with my siblings or going out in our boat, camping, canoeing and backpacking, we did it all.

I was always a chubby kid, but I was also active. Our meals were well-rounded and my sisters and I grew up the same, they both stayed pretty lean and well I was always average or more.

Me in probably 5/6th grade

My sisters and I (right) in Hawaii in 2002

I lucked out though and had great parents that taught me I was not my shape, but my mind and self were much more important, and I became a Christian in 8th grade and shortly after realized my identity in Christ. All of which gave me self-confidence that normally heavier girls struggle with. I honestly didn’t for a long time. Through an early age I always did sports, as a kid I did gymnastics, soft ball, jazz dance and ballet, in junior high I did volleyball, basketball and track. I followed suit in high school doing track and swimming, both of which I participated in through year round clubs, which made me quite active yet even then I was heavier.

My sisters and I (left) doing gymnastics

Me ready for 10th or 11th grade dance.

Through all that I was able to get a scholarship to a D-1 university where I was able to throw hammer for Track and Field and have many other great experiences. After being a college athlete I gained weight because all of a sudden I was not doing two a days and doing rehab to prevent injuries from occurring. So I made a commitment to be the right person and fell in love with running and WeightWatchers (as I stated earlier) and lost 50 pounds and kept it off. I never was thin, but I felt fit, happy and healthy.

I was able to go back to school which was a dream come true, I had inspiring professors, though I had to work two jobs to maintain it, but I balanced it. I gained a little and then lost a little seesawing between where I wanted to be and then just out of reach, but honestly I did not really care.

Then came the series of unfortunate events. I hurt my knee unexplainably, had to have surgery and was told by my orthopedic surgeon and physical therapist that I would have to give up running, the thing that worked to keep me healthy and sane, the thing that had become an outlet and I had come to love. Then after receiving a small scholarship from my school, who believed in my undergrad work, my financial aid fell through and I was unable to return to school to finish the seven classes I had left to finish my degree. Then the unimaginable happened and I was a victim of a crime that left me psychologically, emotionally and spiritually impaired. Through all of this I had medical bills piling up and financially was overwhelmed.

So I went to work, came home and laid in bed, watched TV and slept, woke up and did it all again. I maintained some activity to maintain a front of health, all the while being seriously unhappy and hurt. I let myself be a victim shackled by what had happened to me, but it’s not ok to stay there.

God has done a lot of work in me up until now, around the middle of September things began to change both emotionally and spiritually, but now is the time to accept the freedom of responsibility for my physical health as well.

230.

It still shocks me a bit. I don’t feel that number, when I look in the mirror I don’t see that number, but I’m going to fight back against that number and the struggles that have played a part in it. I’m going to be transparent, if only to keep myself accountable but also hopefully to help encourage others who have felt beaten up by life and who want to take back their number and get a healthy reminder of who they truly are, in the eyes of their Father. We were created mind, body and spirit, I’m excited to work on all three holistically and to see what God does, through my obedience to put in the work and sacrifice to be my best me, not for others, but for Him.

What are some areas that you need to be transparent in? How can you fight back against a victim mentality to experience freedom in responsibility? I’d love to hear back from you!