No White Flag July 25, 2009

“You can’t fail if you never give up.”

Tonight I spent with a couple good friends making pina coladas and visiting. We watched a movie called, “The Last Kiss,” the movie I suppose was good if you break it down technically, but as far as content goes it was incredibly frustrating. In this movie you are watching a series of relationships all crumbling around this one couple that seems to be making it on the outside, but really they are crumbling as well. Meanwhile in real life I am seeing friends of mine going through a similar storyline in reality. Though I risk sounding naive I can’t understand it.

It frustrates me to no end watching marriages fall apart. I realize that there are some good reasons to call things off but mostly I see people giving up. The honeymoon is over and life gets tough. They stop feeling butterflies and their knees no longer go weak and I’m left saying, “so what.” Love is not an action but a choice that you make daily to not get up. I think couples that think it is going to be a cake walk are delusional.

I realize that what I am saying can easily be cast off as I have never been married nor in love with anyone besides my God and even then my human capability for love is still fickle. Though I also feel that if you aren’t determined to make it and to not give up before you are married, it will be that much harder once you are in a committed relationship. Those that know me can atest to the fact that I am a very stubborn, hard headed women that is determined, not only that but I am competitive with a need to win no matter what the cost. These traits can be a blessing and a curse, but contrary to what others might think it will be a blessing for my future marriage because I will not admit defeat. I will do whatever it takes to make it work, because sometime’s that is what marriage is, hard work, but I will have counted the cost and from there I won’t look back nor falter.

It’s not that I am not scared of defeat either. I am an emotionally walled up person. Though I want to find the person that I will love for he rest of my life on this earth I am also scared. I love my family with all of my heart and being, but one could say that divorce runs in the family. Now I understand their stories and why they chose to move on and sometimes I can’t help but be happy that they did because now I have a larger and more wonderful family. But I don’t want it to happen to me.

Hosea 6:4 says, “‘O Israel and Judah (that’s us, humanity) what should I do with you?’ asks the Lord. ‘For your love vanishes like the morning mist and disappears like dew in the sunlight.’”

This is in essence the way we love, as humans we can barely understand unconditional love. The love that is talked about in 1 Corinthians 13. 1 John 4 says it well that we are able to love because God first loved us. Outside of God we cannot love really well because it is conditional like the love spoken of in Hosea 6:4.

However I am thankful for a God and for my future spouse who does not/will not love from earthly perspective but from a godly perspective spoken of in Hosea 2:19-20, “I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord.”

Thanks for listening or rather reading my blog/vent of frustration. But hey at least I am back to writing on this thing I am going to try to update this at least twice a week, but no less than once a week, so keep your fingers crossed for me!

Hello rock, Hello hard place April 26, 2009

It is the end of April and I’ve been getting restless. I love San Diego and Urban is going amazing, but I feel like it is time to focus on me for a bit. The routine is getting monotonous. I am very thankful for a job that has such great benefits and flexibility, but I don’t want to do this forever and I’m getting tired of just working day in and day out to make ends meet when the point of having this job was to be a mean to an end, but as of now there is no end. 

Part of this restlessness has been causing me to think of other things such as peace corps, military and missions. Be comforted that none of these things are right for me, but because I have been in this prison of routine it has caused me to think about possible escapes. Out of all of these possible escapes I know what I am ready to finally do. I have visited some campuses down here for several reasons none of which has been for school, but every time I have gone I have felt this yearning to go back to school. Up until now I haven’t been ready or even wanted to. 

After checking out some schools I have decided to do either SDSU or Point Loma Nazerene. Both schools are great, though SDSU is less expensive. Thus I hit my rock and my hard place. Though I finally know what I want to do to break out of my routine, I cannot break out of my routine. I guess this is why people say San Diego is an expensive city to live in. I want to go to school so I can get a better job and make a better living, but I can’t afford to go to school to get that job. I don’t know how people do this. Maybe it is because I never had to worry about it up until now, but I have no idea how to do this. Just to apply and get in it’s going to cost about 300 dollars and then I just have to pray for financial aid.  I am getting so frustrated because this shouldn’t be so hard after all I have like not even 25 credits left, so close I can taste it but I can’t buy the stinkin’ burger.

I know that all things happened for a reason, but I can’t help but be frustrated that circumstances didn’t allow me to finish this process in the first place and now it’s that much harder because I don’t have the ease of athletics and people who are there to solely to help me with financial aid, scheduling and getting in. Heck I don’t think I even filled out an official application for UNLV in the first place. I have been to college yet I feel so discombobulated with this whole experience of trying to finish again.

Thus I have said hello to my rock and hello to my hard place meanwhile I am stuck in between the monotonous routine of getting by and the urge to better my life without the ability to do so. I guess I will have to make the most of my two new friends, but please be praying for me for wisdom and guidance because I am super excited that I know my next step, but also super discouraged that as of now I just have to wait until I can make it.

Thanks for listening.

Walking Through the Water of Intense Sorrow March 14, 2009

Grief. It is defined as intense sorrow or great sadness. It is not logical or controllable, it preys on fickle emotion and physical fatigue. It is unexplainable and irrevocable. It just is what it is. An intense overwhelming feeling that nothing is right and can never be righted again, what once was will never be. There is no amount of preparation or learning that can help you avoid this deep gut wrenching inexplicable pain.

Tuesday night I got a phone call from my dad to let me know that my Gramps was in the hospital and this time he was not going to be getting better. He had signed a DNR and was determined to go home and be free of the doctor’s poking and prodding. That night I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and fell asleep dreading the inevitable. 

That week it seemed like time had stopped to wait  for what I am not sure. It felt like weeks had passed in between Tuesday and Friday. I talked to him on Thursday and he sounded bad, but not any worse than normal. Looking back, I wish I had said so much more that day. I wish I told him he was my hero. That because of him I understand unconditional love and acceptance more completely. Because he was my Gramps I believe in working hard and giving everything my all, but also taking time to enjoy life, family and a good life. He taught me that family was the most important thing and the only thing we truly have on this earth. Because of him I understand that blood does not determine who is family and who is not, family is much greater and often surpasses merely blood relation. I would have told him that he was the greatest singer and storyteller in my eyes and if I could I would have listened to him for days. I would have apologized for the hurt and worry I had caused him and accepted his forgiveness and love. I would have thanked him for the hours each summer he spent at the public pool, understanding how much he probably disliked that place, but thanking him for taking us there to play and for all the ice cream cones that always followed. I would tell him that because of him Idaho will always be home, that I might have other homes, but he always had my heart and so a part of me will be there forever. I would tell him that I will never forget him because he is me, because of him I am who I am today, a stubborn, ornery and slightly emotional, strong-willed, determined, hardworking young woman. I would have told him that all I ever wanted was for my kids to meet him and for him to see me get married, but that I understand that he couldn’t hold on anymore. I would tell him that I would miss him more than I even thought imaginable, but that I would try not to cry too long, I would keep my chin up and keep smiling.

If only we were as proactive as we are reactive, then I would have told him all that and so much more, but I didn’t and a simple I love you had to tell all that for me. I thought an eternity had past before Friday night arrived and I received the phone call from my dad that Gramps had passed. 

The next week continued to go my slowly as I stuck my chin up and was determined to be strong for my family, sisters and mostly my dad. 

After I came back from the funeral, I feel as if I should be farther along in this whole process. People look at me and I know some of them wonder why I am still so sad, that I should be over this now. But they also don’t know my Gramps and what an amazing man he was and he touched everyone he met in some way. Even though he was a bit gravely and rough around the edges, he was a softy on the inside. He would do anything in his power to lend a hand and help someone in need. Most of all he was My Gramps and I was his first grandbaby and he loved me so much and I wish I understood that more when he was still around.

So though I know how this grief thing works. Heck I even know the stages and the range of emotions you go through from studying to help my friend when she lost her sister. Like I said though no amount of book smarts will get you through. I am finding that all there is to do is just hold on tight to hope and faith and pray that the wave of intense sorrow will pass over leaving you a little wet, but ok nonetheless.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,and the flame shall not consume you. ~ Isaiah 43:2

Thanks for listening.

Colombia hoping… January 29, 2009

So these past few weeks have been rather trying times. Nothing really bad, actually a lot of good has also happened, but it has just been hard.

One week, one day ago I gave up coffee. I am fasting it so in what is left of my 21 days I will rejoin the coffee drinkers of America and praise the Lord for my dose of caffeinated happiness, but for now it has been a good thing. With the fast however, has come the withdrawal symptoms of fatigue, sleepiness, emotional instability and irritability….yes all those things have come as a lack of me not getting my iced double tall two pump nonfat vanilla latte. Yes I also realize how bad that sounds, but I’m a barista and this is what happens when you work at Starbucks long enough. So that happened and as of this week I decided to not only give up coffee but to also start reducing the sugars in my diet, which also has caused some of the symptoms above, specifically mood swings, bet you didn’t know that sugar can do that to ya Well most of you all probably did, but I didn’t until a weird psychology class my junior year.

So all that has added to a particular stressful couple weeks, plus work is going through some hard times right now which stinks but there isn’t much to say about that right now.

On top of it all, and my main point for the evening, is that one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world just got engaged and is getting married as of June 6. I know you must be wondering how this could be a bad thing and how I must be a not nice person for being depressed over another friend’s happiness. And then you might wonder if the guy she is getting married to is a loser and that is why I am upset, but no the guy is wonderful. Her groom-to-be is actually quite often, he treats her like a princess, and treats her friends pretty good too. He cares deeply for her and everything that affects her and is really quite a prince himself. So that just leaves us with me as a not nice person and well that isn’t quite the truth either.

Basically Jo is amazing, her groom is amazing, everything is truly amazing, but they are getting married in Columbia. I couldn’t wait for them to get married until I realized that I wouldn’t get to see my two friends married because I wouldn’t be there. So here I have been moping around all depressed and grumpy for the last week, teary eyed whenever someone mentioned it and looking like a jerk. I know it is silly, but I guess it turned out to be more important to me than I realized. 

Tonight she came over and we did silly strawberry/oatmeal facemasks and finally talked at why I have been so moody the last week. She wants me to come to the wedding, I am just not sure of the possibility of saving the money, but I think I am going to try. It will be a long shot but at least it will give me something to shoot for, plus it would be great to actually go somewhere out of the country. I have never really been out of the country and from what I here it is something you should just do both for educational and personal growth experiences so I am going to work on my spanish and pinch some pennies and whether I make it or not it will be well worth hoping and not just resigning to being sad and depressed until June.

Time for bed, before another day of work. I’ve really enjoyed the family’s blogs lately! Keep up the great blogging!

 

Finally!!! December 30, 2008

Merry Christmas to all and Happy New Year!!! So it has been ages since I posted something. My apologies to those that read this blog. I have found myself getting busier and busier and trying to find time has getting harder and harder. Though if you have been missing me on this blog I do hope you have been reading my blog on lifeaturban.com. I used to post on Thursday’s but now my post is on Monday’s. If you think you might have missed any or all of my postings then you can click on my name on the left side of the page and it will filter through the blogs and give you all of the ones I have written. There are definitely some must reads in there, but I’ll let you find them. Oh and do comment on the blogs on that website. I really enjoy getting feedback, plus I am mildly competitive, but just mildly and like receiving more comments than other people on my blogs, which is a rare occurance.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas. As this new year approaches everyone seems to be talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Typically my New Year’s Resolution is to not have a new year’s resolution which I guess ends up being a resolution after all, but generally speaking I make a point to not have one. 

As I was reading a book called, Life is Good, or something along those lines there were two quotes that stood out.

One by Paul Cezanne, the post-impressionistic artist, which said, “Right now a moment of time is passing by! We must become that moment.”

The other by William Shakespeare, saying, “We know what we are, but know not what we may be.”

Both of these quotes so struck me that I decided that I want to (though cliche) live each moment to it’s fullest and not let priceless moments pass me by, after all as Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes, “life is but a vapor.” Also I want to know the me that “may be,” I definitely know where I am at and who I am now, but I want to know the me that can be, the me that does the impossible and dreams bigger than myself. I want to know who I can become and then become that me. 

So that’s it, my anti-resolutions for this next year. 

Oh and don’t forget there is now officially a competition for who can get the most friends and family to Urban’s grand opening Feb. 8th. Please come! If you are not a family member or friend you are still invited! For more information go to lifeaturban.com or email info@lifeaturban.com and then comment this blog and let me know that you are coming. Help me win and experience our History in the making while enjoying a chic environment and great message and wonderful people!

Talk to you all soon! Happy New Year!

It’s All in the Timing November 29, 2008

Timing…it is a tricky thing. There’s good and bad timing. Sometimes people wait to long trying to find the right timing when all they really needed to do was make a decision while other times people make decisions without even thinking about the proper timing when they really should have waited. Like I said it’s a tricky thing. Really our life is based on timing. If we hadn’t moved to Washington when I did I wouldn’t have met Katie, my very best friend, I also wouldn’t have met Coach Midles who taught me to throw hammer and thus getting me into college. If my peak in my season would have happened earlier I might have gone to Stanford, MSU, or even UW but instead it hit at the very end of the season and I thought I was stuck with UNLV. If I hadn’t been let go from ReJAVAnate when I did, I might not have met Ben his first real night at the youth ministry at The Church of South Las Vegas. If I had stopped doing track earlier or later I might not have done the internship in it’s last year and I might not have ended up in San Diego. The possibilities are endless of where I could be and when I would be there. Really I could have turned into a very different person, but all because of timing whether you call it God’s sovereignty, Providence or just luck I am where I am and I am who I am.

The other day I found out that someone I had liked for a long time back home will now most likely be moving to Vegas. We never decided to officially date or anything despite feelings for each other and tons of what most people call chemistry because I would not move back to Washington and he could not see himself in Vegas. Really he could not see himself in Vegas with that timing. I have sort of been in shock just at the wonder of timing. If he had moved to Vegas four or five months ago or if I had even found out he was thinking about moving four or five months ago, I must say that I quite possibly would not be in San Diego. I know that sounds flaky but that is how it is. There are many what ifs but the fact remains that the timing was not right, chemistry and feelings don’t matter in the scheme of timing. We both won’t continue to grasp at straws but it is strangely ironic.

It is a tricky thing. We can’t control it, we just have to have faith mixed with wisdom and believe that God is watching time and taking care of us even in those details.

Much Ado About Nothing November 26, 2008

Recently I have come to the conclusion that my mind is my own worst enemy. No really it is. I have told my friend recently that I am very thankful God didn’t create us with the ability to read minds because if the person was able to decipher my mind that it would be incredibly messy with a lot of thoughts about nothing, which reminds me of the title of one of Shakespeare’s plays, “Much Ado About Nothing,” which I haven’t read but that title really explains it all.  Basically I read into everything, by everything I mean every little detail of human interaction I try to figure out what was meant by that interaction. 

For example, one of my friends has said things about a certain thing recently several times to me. I therefore, have come to a decision based on endless thoughts in my mind that it is because he is trying to get a reaction. Which he probably is because he’s good at all that psychology mumbo jumbo. So now I’ve drawn several possible conclusions. Either he said it because he knows something I don’t and thus is trying to get a reaction.  Or he wants something to happen and so he’s trying to see if he can get a reaction so that it supports what he wants to happen. Finally he is slightly sensitive to people and knowing things about people before they might know it so he could be trying to get me thinking about it to see how I feel out it which would get a reaction.

So the summary of all this is that there is a reaction that is supposed to happen or that is desired to happen. So far my reaction is this, I don’t know. I can’t react now, nothing has actually come to pass that I could react to in the present besides thinking about it. Yes it is quite possibly nothing, most likely nothing. But now I know that it made me think  so if the time comes I still don’t know how I will react, but I know that I have talked about it. I have considered both possibilites and I know that whatever happens happens. The great thing that God is good and he wants good things for me, whatever that might be. I am not hoping that this thing will come about and I will not hope that it doesn’t. My job is to hope and put my trust in God and I know that while I don’t know, God does and thank God he does because it means that I really don’t need to obsess or think about the endless possibilies and ado about nothing because God’s got it and he is good. 

Thanks for listening to my messy thoughts about nothing

Update and Urban news! November 19, 2008

So as many of you know that follow this blog, I moved to San Diego not just for a change in scenery, but to fulfill my dreams and the dreams of my friends and mentors, Ben and Katie Brinkman. I have been living in San Diego now for four months and God has continued to exceed my wildest expectations. Every day has been one more step towards my dreams and it has been an amazing adventure thus far. If you have spoken to me or been reading my blog from the start you would know that this process is changing me every day for the better. I am writing more than I ever have and not just for me but on my blog, on Urban’s website and periodic articles. I will begin to write a book soon. There is just so much in me thanks to Urban and those involved that I need to begin a project that is bigger than myself. 

I have been debating within myself for awhile about whether to be selfish Alayna or not so selfish Alayna and write this blog and ultimately not so selfish Alayna is a much better choice. Urban me is helping me fulfill my dreams in a way I never could seem to do before and I want to help continue to make Urban possible so that other people just like me can meet Jesus Christ and begin to live and walk in their dreams. That is why I am asking that all those that would normally give a gift this Christmas to me would instead give instead to Urban. It is not just another church it is a community of individuals who are determined to know Jesus and help fulfill the dreams of other people just like me I have included a letter from my pastor below along with links to a short video that would show what exactly you are giving to. Thank you so much to those that continue to believe in me. My deepest thanks to everyone a part of Urban that continues to help me walk in my own dream and who together we are reaching downtown San Diego in a relevant and practical way. 

Also if you haven’t had a chance please go to lifeaturban.com. Read the blog under the “media” tab. I haven’t been writing on here as frequently but I am posting something new every Thursday on Urban’s blog and coming soon there will be a new article about our very first preview service written by me as well!

Thanks again,

Alayna

 

Dear Partner
 
As you know Katie and I along with 30 other people have moved to downtown San Diego to start a church.  We have been meeting and preparing with the launch team for the last couple of months working towards our start date of January 11th to reach this city.  
 
San Diego is the 8th largest city in the nation.  Known for its college and military presence the major demographic is 24-39.  Downtown San Diego has over 40 thousand people living in the 92101 zip code alone and in the next 10-15 years that is estimated to increase to over 100 thousand people.   
 
Although we have mentioned before that San Diego is the homeless capital of our nation, downtown has been revitalized to attract not only the young professionals but young families as well.  With all this new growth and the transient nature of college students and military people San Diego in all its beauty is lacking true community.  
 
It is our vision to create a community that brings people together to discover Jesus Christ, realize their dream and begin to live in it (Philippians 3:12-14).  We believe that as people discover Jesus Christ they will begin to realize their God given dream and they will begin to work towards obtaining it.  Since no dream is obtained alone we will connect people through URBAN.  
 
As we are set to launch our first service January 11th 2009 in the Gaslamp theaters I want to ask you to partner with us to reach the 100 thousand plus people that will be living here in the next several years.  Here are a couple of ways you can partner with us right now.
Celebration Partners.  There are 26 weekends represented in the first 6 months of our start and each weekend will cost us $1000.  We are looking for 26 people to give a one time donation to sponsor a weekend service.  As you sponsor a service think about the families who will be worshiping together experiencing the presence of God or that person who meets Jesus for the first time because the gospel was preached.
Creative Arts Partners.  Downtown San Diego is full of the arts with their many theaters and music venues we need to offer quality sound and lighting.  Speakers, Amplifiers and Racks will cost $5000 dollars and we are looking for 10 people to contribute $500 each so we can purchase it. 
Monthly Partners.  We are also looking for people who will partner with us monthly over the next 12 months with whatever amount God puts on your hearts so that we can further the vision God has given us for this city.
 
Will you partner with us financially to reach this city with the vision that God has placed in our hearts?  The vision of becoming an access point for people to discover Jesus Christ, realize their dream and begin to live in it.
 
Please take a moment and visit the links below to hear more about our vision (if watching in high quality it may take a while to render so please be patient.  For it to render faster please click on normal quality on the right below the youtube screen) and to learn more about URBAN go to our websitewww.lifeaturban.com.
 
Thank You 
Dream Big
Ben Brinkman – Lead Pastor, Urban Church

high quality link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs6bgCAe408&fmt=18

low quality link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gs6bgCAe408

(you may have to copy and paste the links)

Just keep swimming… November 2, 2008

So I have the Nemo song stuck in my head right now, the one where Dori sings, “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming” I’m not sure if there was any other words in that song, but that keeps running through my mind except replace swimming with living. 

Not going to lie, it’s been a rough two weeks. Financially I have been going through one of the most difficult times. I have been ok, I’ve actually been getting through. I’ve been creative, using pantry stuff that usually never gets used for food, and it’s been working. It’s been hard, but I’ve kept living. I am proud that I’m making it, my nose might be the only thing that’s still out of the water, but I can still breath at least. This month I’m praying to make rent, actually I’m praying for favor that she lets me pay most of it on time and the rest when I get my next paycheck but I’ll make it. Thank God I’ll make it.

Then last Thursday I got on my Myspace to see several of my friends from home posting about a Jake that was missing and I’ll I could say was “no” over and over again as I cried and prayed that it wasn’t my friend Jake. I’m pretty sure my roommate thought I was crazy, but for a half and hour that is all I could say as I frantically tried to find out on every search engine I could find, what was going on. By the end of the night I found out through a phone call that it was my friend Jake and as far as they knew he was lost at sea, but with a possibility of being alive. So I mustered up all the faith I could possibly have read some encouraging scripture and thought happy thoughts only to find out literally 10 minutes later that it was just released that Jake was one of the crew members found dead. I was mad and angry that I didn’t even have time to petition God to move on his behalf that the final decision was made without any of my faith being involved. Please understand that while I love God and I have complete faith and trust in Him and that he truly does work all things together for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose, I was still angry, it just happens. The good news was that they did find four survivors so four lucky families still have their sons, friends, spouses, etc., yet I still went through all the whys. 

Friday after I cried myself to sleep devastated that yet another person from home had died and this time someone close to me, I got more bad news. I found out from my cousin that my Gramp’s wasn’t doing so well. She didn’t really go into it, but just said he was in the hospital again. I just couldn’t take the bad news. I am usually pretty collected about this sort of thing, but I’m pretty sure I lost it, my losing it wasn’t me on an emotional rollercoaster, that would be more normal, instead I got cold. Those that worked with me that night could probably vouch for it, I didn’t speak to the baristas, which is really awful of me, but if I had I would have said something awfully mean, because I was tired of being nice. 

Saturday I sent an email saying I was done, I was tired of bad news and I was ready to isolate. It’s a pretty common reaction really. We go into self-protect mode, cutting off those that we love and care about as if they will be the ones to let us down. Unfortunately that is never a good thing to do and after a good friend said somethings very squarely I belligerently settled. I went over to my bosses house because I was housesitting for her this past weekend. I turned on the TV while she was packing and as I looked up at the screen there was Jake and his fishing boat. At first I was in shock as I paused and rewound the same strip of news about 20 times trying to figure out why in the world that news was being aired in san diego. Come to find out one of the other crewmen that died was from here, go figure.

Sunday I finally got to the bottom of what happened to my Gramps. Basically his truck slid off and embankment into the Salmon River and miraculously he managed not to drown and get out of his truck but was in the hospital because the incident caused him to get pneumonia in both lungs. It sucked, the whole day I had to fight the urge not to by two plane tickets, one to Idaho the other to Washington. The only thing that saved me was that there was no way I could afford it even if I tried, which is good because I love San Diego and I know I am supposed to be here, but I am tired of watching my family and friends go through it.

It is so hard seeing the people you love struggling and having no power over it at all. A couple months ago it was my mom, then my grandma’s fight with breast cancer and now all this. You see I could handle my own financial struggle, I was ok, I knew what I needed to do and the sacrifice I needed to make. That is manageable, but my family and my friend’s struggles hurt so much worse, yet there is even less that you can do besides try to be there the best way you know how. 

So thus the song runs through my head, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming, just keep living, living, living. While I know that Jesus came to give life and life more abundantly, right now I must just focus on the life I have and that I am stilling hanging on, I’m still swimming. I can’t change what has happened the last two weeks, the just got to keep living. 

Happier news is that I will be moving into a apartment with my friend Lauren in the middle of the month. I am really excited, though it will be even more tight financially the first two months while adjust the budget and the days bills get paid, in the long run it will save money and be a better situation, just pray and keep your fingers crossed I don’t need to cancel my thanksgiving trip in order to pick up hours at work, it should be fine, but it will be close I’m excited about it, the apartment is downtown in little italy and I will take pictures as soon as I can and give a more thorough update on moving. 

So even though I might be doggy paddling through life just trying to keep above water for now, I know eventually I will be backstroking my way around remembering these choppy waters that looked like the storm of a lifetime as some thundershowers that taught me endurance and now to hold on. Just keep living, living, living…

Someone to Love with My Life in His Hands October 30, 2008

The other night I had the luxury of driving home, which does not happen often since I do not have my own car, and I was listening to the radio. I had forgotten how much I loved the radio! I am not really connected to the music scene so I never know what is new that is out. As I was listening to the radio I heard such a compelling song called, “Gotta Be Somebody,” by Nickleback. I just started singing to it which ended up being pretty special since I didn’t know the words at all, but I felt it in my soul as cheesy as it sounds.

I was writing recently about inspiration and I get inspired by many things, but one of the main areas of inspiration comes from music and that night driving the Jetta down the Strand was one of those rare moments of divine inspiration. The lyrics sung reminded of God’s amazing plan in his creation of me.

Recently I found that many more of my friends were in a serious dating relationship while much fewer of us were still left single and that kinda irritated me. Don’t get me wrong I was incredibly excited for them all, but something in me said, “Why can’t it be me?!” “When will it be time for me?” “Will I ever find someone?” At this point of my story those that know me might think I’m particularly silly since I am not old by any means and really I am very young at 22, but still those desires are there and lately they seem heightened. One of the lyrics to the song says, “‘Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares, someone to love with my life in there hands, There’s gotta be somebody for me like that, cause nobody wants to do it all on their own, and everyone wants to know they’re not alone.” How true this is, we are all searching for this. Very few people are not. I love it because this isn’t something I am going through on my own but this is a desire that crosses cultures, generations and genders. 

We were created with this desire. God made us with this desire to give ourselves to someone, to put our life in someone else’s hands as the song states. The only problem with this picture is that God created Adam to be in relationship fully with himself and then with Eve, but what happened is Adam and Eve broke their relationship with God by putting their relationship with each other in front of their primary relationship. So now it goes generation after generation searching for this storybook fairytale ending with another person. We have books, movies and TV shows dedicated for this great search for romance and love when we could have it so much easier, more perfect and beautiful if we looked to God to create that relationship first. 

There is a scripture in 1 John 4:16-19 that talks about this divine love.

“We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.  God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on teh day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.  We love each other because he loved us first. “

Only through accepting and receiving God’s love can we love like him and have our love be perfected by Him. All those sappy movie lines have nothing on God, we may never be able to fully comprehend the breadth, length and depth of His perfect love (Eph. 3:18-19).

This week I was reminded that I need to fall more deeply in love with God because he is absolutely truly, madly, deeply and perfectly in love with me and if I am not satisfied with where I am right now it is because I need to move closer into Him.